Voldemort: The Mastermind Of Chick Flicks?
by ColorMeKissable
Summary: I can’t believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunk this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?
1. A Chick Flick?

**Disclaimer: I own uh… I own nothing! I swear on Orlando Bloom that I'm innocent! Happy? It all belongs to JKR.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

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**A CHICK FLICK?**

It started about 2 weeks ago. I was in quite a good mood. Myself and loyal Death Eater cronies, were plotting to kill my favorite target; Harry Potter. It was going very well, this plotting session. Malfoy Sr. suggested putting a giant computer generated image of Potter and his son Draco doing unmentionable things. If Potter has a week stomach, then this may very well work. Then Barty Crouch Jr., mind you, he was only in this for the free tattoo, stepped up to give a hopefully helpful suggestion.

"Make Potter watch a chick flick."

"Crouch, what the hell is a chick flick?" I was just about to perform the cruciatus curse on him for suggesting such a ridiculous idea.

"Please, My Lord, let me do the honor of showing you!"

So we arrived in my personal home theatre, and made popcorn and all that jazz.

"Show me, Crouch. Show me what will bring Potter down!" I cackled evilly.

"That was deep…real deep." I whispered in a hoarse voice as Noah and Allie died.

Crouch could be heard cackling in the back.

"What in Merlin's beard is the name of this…this-"

"Sappy, romantic, chick flick, love story?" Crouch answered for me.

"Yes…"

"The Notebook."

"The Notebook, eh?"

"Based on a true story, My Lord."

"Oh, how tragic."

"Unless I'm mistaken, My Lord…but are you feeling sorry for them?"

"NO! Of course not! You imbecile! How could that stupid idiotic thought even cross your puny mind?" I was outraged by his comment. I am Lord Voldemort! I have no feelings! Or do I…?"

"I'm sorry, Master. It was very immature of me to suggest something ridiculous like that."

"That's the smartest thing you've said all day."

"So, will this be the plan we use to bring down Potter?" Crouch questioned.

"I think it may be so…" I said ginning inwardly. "Do we have more of these _chick flicks."_

"Of course. We have Titanic, which is a favorite by far. Tristan + Isolde, Pearl Harbor, although Potter may be caught up in the rather violent explosions. Elizabethtown, There's Something About Mary, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Moulin Rouge, Romeo + Juliet, When Harry Met Sally. Oh the list goes on and on."

"Yes! Finally!" I shouted with glee. "It's time to bring Potter down."

A/N: Woot! Did you like it? Please review! I'll give you all BIG cookies!

Thanks Mucho Grande!

--WeRtheFutureScaredYet.

Snap. I'm In to Deep.

I committed the ultimate crime. I watched the ultimate chick flick. I was so ashamed, that I nearly jumped out the window. But I chickened out at the last minute, for I have a secret fear of heights. But shhh! No one's supposed to know! But anyways, I was in my chair, and a random Dark Lord wanna be, started giving me all this crap about all this crap! So then, I was like: "Avada Kedvra!" And he was like: Dead.

So I got fed up and went into the theatre to try and think of more ways to use my chick flick strategy to bring Potter down. Then suddenly…I hear this song. It had this enchanting melody very similar to a veela's voice. It went: _"Near…far…wherever you are..."_

I turned my mutated head towards the screen.

"_Jack, I'm flying, Jack!" _

That idiot of a girl, no you're not. It's impossible for a stupid muggle like you to be able to! I was about to get up and leave, but a creepy voice in my head told me to stay and watch or I'd die in seven days.

"_You jump, I jump. Remember?"_

I sniffed. WAIT! Hold up! Voldemort does NOT sniff. I tried to convince myself that I was coming down with a cold.

"Master…you cannot get colds." Wormtail stuttered.

"LEAVE YOU MUMBLING FOOL!"

"Eek!" He squeaked and scampered away.

"_Never let go, Rose. Promise me?"_

"_I love you, Jack."_

This was too much.

"_I'll never let go, Jack."_

I felt something hot run down my scarred cheek. I touched them in horror. They were…_tears. _I fell over the couch in shock. And stayed there limp, and unable to move for hours.

"My Lord, are you okay?" Lucius Malfoy asked, his voice uncertain.

"Fine." I choked out, still in deep shock. After Lucius left the room, realization dawned upon me…**_SNAP!_** I was in to deep.

A/N: Sorry this is so short! More coming Soon! If you review, this time I have Carmel frappachinos from Starbucks for you all! Mhmm. Yum!


	2. SNAP! I'm In Too Deep

Disclaimer: Don't own anything but my mind. But I'm afraid I'm beginning to lose that too…0o

Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?

**Snap. I'm In to Deep.**

I committed the ultimate crime. I watched the ultimate chick flick. I was so ashamed, that I nearly jumped out the window. But I chickened out at the last minute, for I have a secret fear of heights. But shhh! No one's supposed to know! But anyways, I was in my chair, and a random Dark Lord wanna be, started giving me all this crap about all this crap! So then, I was like: "Avada Kedvra!" And he was like: Dead.

So I got fed up and went into the theatre to try and think of more ways to use my chick flick strategy to bring Potter down. Then suddenly…I hear this song. It had this enchanting melody very similar to a veela's voice. It went: _"Near…far…wherever you are..."_

I turned my mutated head towards the screen.

"_Jack, I'm flying, Jack!" _

That idiot of a girl, no you're not. It's impossible for a stupid muggle like you to be able to! I was about to get up and leave, but a creepy voice in my head told me to stay and watch or I'd die in seven days.

"_You jump, I jump. Remember?"_

I sniffed. WAIT! Hold up! Voldemort does NOT sniff. I tried to convince myself that I was coming down with a cold.

"Master…you cannot get colds." Wormtail stuttered.

"LEAVE YOU MUMBLING FOOL!"

"Eek!" He squeaked and scampered away.

"_Never let go, Rose. Promise me?"_

"_I love you, Jack."_

This was too much.

"_I'll never let go, Jack."_

I felt something hot run down my scarred cheek. I touched them in horror. They were…_tears. _I fell over the couch in shock. And stayed there limp, and unable to move for hours.

"My Lord, are you okay?" Lucius Malfoy asked, his voice uncertain.

"Fine." I choked out, still in deep shock. After Lucius left the room, realization dawned upon me…**_SNAP!_** I was in to deep.

**A/N:** Sorry this is so short! More coming Soon! If you review, this time I have Carmel frappachinos from Starbucks for you all! Mhmm. Yum!


	3. I Really Belong In A Mental Institution

_Disclaimer: Don't own anything. I'm really innocent! crosses fingers behind back._

_Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?_

**I Really Belong In A Mental Institution.**

I sneaked inside the Blockbuster in London. Of course I was disguised. I mean I couldn't go in there looking like my mutated self. It'd be humiliating!

I walked into the store looking quite dashing. In fact, if you squinted, I kind of looked like a recantation of Cedric Diggory. I received a lot of looks from the young women in the store.

I casually strolled down the aisles. Three guesses what I was looking for? I think you all know. But I was getting worried. This really was escalating to a new level. Why was I in Blockbuster in the first place? I wanted to see err…uhm, well…I'd rather not say. Scratch that. I NEEDED to see this…this thing. But I'm sure you already know what this 'thing' was.

I finally found it! I did a happy dance inside my head. I would've been even more happy (if that was possible), but another hand grabbed the 'thing' I was getting ready to grab myself. I was flooded with rage when I saw who it was. It was the 'Chosen One' Himself!

He looked at me and smiled.

"Oh! I'm sorry were you going to get this?"

I glared. Stupid imbecile! I'd never get anything your filthy hands touched. "No. Not anymore." I said stiffly and walked away.

"What's got his wand in a knot?" I heard Potter mumble.

"Your friggin sorry arse!" 'Friggin;' that was a new word. I'm really not into teen slang, but when it comes to Potter…well, I'm described as unpredictable.

"Hey," He said angrily. "What the bloody hell did you say that for?"

"Oh what's got your wand in a knot? I mocked. I took a thing of sanitizing spray, and sprayed all over the 7th Heaven DVD, and yanked it out of his hands. "You and your stupid muggle pop culture, and stupid American rubbish." I sneered. I came to my senses and did a double-take. 7TH HEAVEN? I crashed into the shelf.

"WHERE IN THIS DUMBASS STORE IS HERBIE: FULLY LOADED!" I clamped a hand over my mouth in shock. Potter dropped his 7th Heaven DVD. "I MEAN, MEAN GIRLS! NO, CONFESSONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN! GAH! WHERE'S THE FRIGGIN PARENT TRAP?

"Our Lindsay Lohan movies are in the next aisle over. But if you have an insane obsessive stalker thing…I suggest you contact the FBI." The cashier said slowly.

"I never said anything! You heard nothing! You're delusional!" I said quickly, and ran out of the Blockbuster with ALL the Lindsay Lohan movies in my awesome Burberry trench coat. I was already in DEEP mud with the law, to bad. They can catch me if they can! MUHAHAHAHA!

"ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED ME TO CONTACT YOUR THERAPIST?" The cashier yelled at the window.

"NO YOU DORK-IDIOT-LOSER!" I screamed back.

"YOU REALLY DO BELONG IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION!"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!" I withdrew my wand.

"VOLDIE, YOU VILE CREATURE!" Crouch shouted at me.

My blood boiled. '_Voldie?'_ That's like a name for a pet.

Crouch put a hand over his mouth and apparated who knows where. My guess is Chuck E Cheese. He's always had a knack for kiddie places like that. Who knows, maybe he's a child molester. I shrugged.

When I arrived back to my secret lair, I watched the Lindsay movies. And yes I do have a secret lair. Almost all masterminds of evil have secret lairs. Except for Chucky the Doll, because well, he's just weird.

So anyways, I've decided that I don't like L Lohan. That stupid muggle with an annoying scratchy voice should die.

I asked myself why I'm thinking about Lindsay Lohan. And I honestly don't know why. Things are getting pretty crazy. And I'm not sure I can stop it…

Oh, if only I had super powers like Barney.

**Stiggy:** Of course you still qualify for that caramel frappachino! LoL. Thanks for your encouraging reviews. You rock the socks! D

**A/N: No offense to anyone who likes Lindsay Lohan. But I thought of that thing and I thought it was funny.**

**Hope you liked the chapter!**

**Mmkay, this time guess what I got…?**

**Fudge brownies with melted chocolate chips, and a chewy cookie crumbs, with a creamy caramel topping! Mmmmm! It's making me super hungry myself.**


	4. Sup, Dawg?

Disclaimer: JKR owns it all. Jealous x2393824238432

Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?

Sup, Dawg?

"Sup, Dawg?" Crouch said as I stormed into the lair.

"What do you mean by '_sup, Dawg?'?" _I scrunched my face up in confusion.

"You know…"

"Like a woof-woof dog?"

"No, like a gangster dawg."

"Gangster? Like Al Capone Gangster?"

"No, like ME gangster. 'Cause I'm a P.I.M.P!"

"So you're saying you work with prostitutes, AND me? TRAITOR!" I hissed angrily.

"No! You come first!" Crouch said suddenly becoming frightened.

"Somehow I have a difficult time believing this. After all, you are only in this for the free tattoo."

"Yo momma's so hairy, she goes to the barber shop to get the afros on her feet trimmed!" He clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Crouch, my mother is dead."

"I'm sorry, My Lord."

"No you're not! But YOUR momma's so fat, she sweats meat loaf juice!" I retorted.

"Gross." Crouch uttered.

"But you know it's true!"

"My mother is deceased also."

"Oh." I was about to say sorry, but mentally smacked myself. I DO NOT SYMPATHIZE! I thought I made that clear!

"You killed her."

"Your father was a pervert."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me."

"But he was straight!"

"Or so you think…"

"OKAY! THAT'S IT! I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FATHER'S SEXUALITY! ESPECIALLY WITH YOU!"

"Good. Because quite frankly; neither do I."

"But you brought it up…"

"Shut up and get me When Harry Met Sally!"

"Yes, my Lord!" He hurried away. "Yo momma WAS so skinny, she swallowed a peanut M&M, and looked 9 months pregnant." He muttered before hurrying off.

"WORMTAIL!" I shouted grinning evilly. I was going to have fun!

"Y-yes, Master?" He stuttered.

"Yo momma's so stupid, I asked her to get me a coloured television and she asked me which colour, and then called me a racist."

He whimpered.

"And she's ugly. In fact, she's so ugly, someone went up to her and asked: If Halloween is over, then why are you still dressed up as Michael Jackson?"

"I'm sorry, Master!" Wormtail was sobbing. "I do not know why my mother Is so stupid and ugly!"

"Well you're ugly too."

"I'm sorry for that too! My plastic surgeon, and spa therapist quit on me! They said I was costing them too much money."

I raised an eyebrow. Scratch that, I don't have eyebrows.

"And even my girlfriend called things off! And she had me from hello!"

"YOU WATCHED JERRY MGGUIRE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION? And I'm surprised you even had a girlfriend. No wonder she broke things off."

"We had irreconcilable differences!" Wormtail let out a gigantic sob and ran away.

"GO RAPE YOURSELF!" I yelled at him."

About 3 minutes later I heard a combination of moaning and whimpers and groaning.

EW. Is he doing what I think he's doing! That fag.

I heard some more pathetic wailing, and then a loud smack.

"Thank you Narcissa! He needed that!" I yelled.

"My pleasure, my Lord."

A moment later Crouch came back into the room.

"Was Wormtail just attempting to sexually assault himself?"

"I'm afraid so." Crouch said shuddering.

"Sign him up for mental health classed immediately." I said carelessly.

"I will do that, Yo Momma Master."

"Bloody damn straight."

"See ya, Dawg." Crouch said and apparated away.

**A/N: Sorry that there wasn't much chick flick action in this chapter. But I thought it was pretty funny.**

**Kay, here's what I got. **

**5,000 Cinnabon rolls, each! Now who can resist ANYTHING from Cinnabon? **


	5. Like Whoa, Dude

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Once again, as mentioned for the past 4 chapters. And If I stole this material, I'd be on the run from the law like our dearest Voldie.

Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?

Like. Whoa, Dude.

Due to the fact that I was on the run from the law, a cold-blooded killer, and a ruthless old crackpot (according to Barty Crouch Jr.), I needed help. And why I did not kill Crouch Jr. on the spot will always be a mystery. Although that creepy voice in my head (who keeps saying that if I don't do a particular thing I'll die in seven days), says that perhaps I'm actually growing a heart and feeling sympathy for my cronies. But you know what?

I OBJECT!

There was an eerie silence.

"You know that deep down inside you really don't…" Crouch Jr. said in a sly voice.

"Who're you trying to figure out my inner emotions?"

"Barty Crouch Jr. I have a degree in psychology."

"Really?"

"Of course not."

"Why did you just lie to me?"

"Freedom of the speech."

"We're in the United Kingdom."

"P. Sherman, 42, Wallabee Way, Sydney." Crouch muttered darkly.

"Huh?"

"Like, whoa, dude. Haven't you ever seen _Finding Nemo_?"

"NO! It's about a lost fish! Why would I see that?" I asked outraged. Although deep down inside I was intrigued. What's with all these 'deep down inside' feelings?

"Fine. Think what you want."

"I will, thank you very much."

"But you might just die in seven days."

"Hey," I started. No one was supposed to know about that! "How do you know about that?"

"That voice you keep hearing. She's a mental little girl named Samara. She fell down a well. It was all the mothers doing."

"…"

"The _Ring_, duh.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Okay, quit it with the …'s!" Crouch yelled uncomfortable with the eerie silence that had taken over the room once more.

"…" I did that just to annoy him.

"Bitch." He muttered, starting to walk away.

"WHAT'D YOU CALL ME? WHORE!" I started to bitch slap him.

"Why are you bitch slapping me when you can just kill me"

"Good question." I said and grabbed a bottle of wine.

"That's it. Drown your pathetic sorrows in alcoholic beverages." Crouch said tossing his nail filer to the side.

"Filing nails, huh? Getting in touch with your feminine side are you?" I said talking another swig of the wine.

"Yo, Voldie…you okay, Dawg?"

"Oh just perfect. You're a freaking weird guy, filling your nails!" I spat.

"Voldie, give me the wine."

"NEVER!"

Crouch's eyes widened.

"What? I demanded.

"That's not wine…"

"Well, then what is it? What is this drink that I'm getting high off? Grape juice?"

"Exactly."

"WHAT? YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I'VE BEEN GETTING HIGH OFF GRAPE JUICE!"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you, oh feminine one."

"I'M NOT A GIRL!"

"A little loud there, Voldie."

Heads were peaking inside the room.

"AWAY! ALL YOU LOT!"

"Why should we listen to him? He got high off grape juice." Lucius muttered, clutching his pimp stick.

"BECAUSE I AM YOUR BOSS! BOW DOWN TO ME, FOOL!" I said cackling evilly. But again, I sort of agreed. I got high off grape juice. What type of person does that? Oh right. A mastermind of evil. Like me!

"My Lord, I brought you something." Lucius said nervously.

**SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE**

I was speechless.

I couldn't believe it.

Shakespeare in love. It was worse than Tristan + Isolde, Just My Luck, The Perfect Man, Down With Love, 50 First Dates, and High School Musical COMBINED!

"This will certainly be the downfall of Potter." Lucius said confidently.

Crouch and I exchanged glances.

"Well we'll have to check it out for ourselves!" Crouch said grabbing the movie and dragging me into the theatre room.

**A/N: Ginger zip: Of course there'll be more of our favorite younger Crouch!**

**Phantom'sJediBandieGirl: Uhm, not exactly. This will result in some vase throwing. Hehe.**

**Looking forward to this chapters desert? ME TOO! **

**Hmmm….let me think…..**

**GOT IT!**

**Chocolate NY style Cheesecake, with Cinnabon icing drizzling. YUM!**

**PLEASE REVIEW KIDDO'S!**


	6. I Think Hell Has Just Frozen Over

**Disclaimer:** **Nothing is mine. Boo hoo, I'll go cry myself a river. No jk, then I couldn't write this! Hehe.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

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**I Think Hell Just Froze Over**

After Crouch had dragged me away from the others, World War III began.

"You **MUST** watch it, Voldie!" Crouch yelled exasperated.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" I yelled back with fury.

"Do you want the Potter brat to die, or not?"

"At this point, I don't really care anymore!"

"Did you hear that sound?" Crouch asked sounding shocked.

"No." I sneered.

"I think that was **hell freezing over**!"

"Shut up, son of a muggle!" I sneered with angst, putting the cruciatus curse on him.

"**ABUSE! ABUSE!**" Crouch shouted in agony.

I stopped the curse. "NEVER say something stupid like that in front of me again!"

"I thought I had gotten under your skin!"

"WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG!"

"Someone's hormones are raging…" Crouch muttered looking away.

"….!"

"…?"

"….!" I thought looks would at least explain my 'inner emotions', but no such luck.

"Well gosh, Voldie; if you need to express yourself just do it. Don't stand there giving me peculiar looks." Crouch said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"EXPRESS MYSELF?"

"Or I could fly you out to Arizona on my Frequent Flyer Miles. I heard there's a nice rehab place there."

"I DON'T NEED TO GO TO REHAB!" I said munching on tobacco.

"What are you eating that for? It's very bad for your health…"

"I'm the most powerful wizard in the world, Crouch. Or are you losing your mind?"

"…"

"And I'm only doing it for the nicotine. I find it rather addicting."

"No dip, Sherlock."

"…>. …"

"Wow." Crouch shot me an amused look.

"Just stop picking on me already!" I whined.

"WTF?"

"What the F…oh I get it."

"...Loser…"

">. "

"Stop making those squinty faces at me!"

"WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!"

"Uhm…Dude, you just said that five minutes ago."

"DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE AT THE MOMENT?"

"No." Crouch said quietly.

"THEN GO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND SHRIVEL UP AND DIE!"

"No, I'd rather stay alive, thanks for the advice though. I considered it DEEPLY." He said in a fake tone.

"… . …"

"Loser."

"Metro sexual." I retorted.

"CHICK FLICK LOVER!"

I was speechless.

"OH WHAT NOW? BURN!"

I glared. This was the first time I was unable to make a decent comeback. "I'm screwed." I muttered darkly to myself.

"Oh, you're more than screwed, buddy." Crouch patted me on the back.

"Get your filthy hands off me, you wizard molester!"

**A/N: TADA! How was it…?**

**Phantom'sJediBndieGirl: Haha! I just watched Moulin Rouge today, actually. I may have to take you up on that Idea about Voldie watching it.**

**Ginger zip: Oh, really…? He's not mine either, but he's a fun character to pick on ;-**

**Sienna: Aw, thanks!**

**--Oreo's**

**--Cake**

**--Chocolate Covered Strawberries**

**--Whipped Cream**

**--Hershey Bar's**

**--Reese's**

**--Milky Way's**

**--Brownies**

**--Cinnabon**

**--SLURPEE'S! godd how i love them!**


	7. Vodie Is A Poet, And He Didn't Know It

**A/N:** Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for the lack of updating! Since it was the end of the year I was jam packed with final exams, and other school related things. But summer vacation just started, so I'll be able to update a lot more frequently!

**Disclaimer: Again, I own zip, 0, zilch.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks? **

Voldie Is TheEquivalent OfA Poet.

Right now, I'm seriously considering jumping off a roof and breaking every bone and my body. But that would mean leaving my reign as supreme dark ruler of the universe. And I would have to choose a new ruler. This involves a tremendous amount of stress! And stress makes you gain weight. And I don't really want to go to an over eaters anonymous meeting.

Today I had a little surprise visitor. That visitor being non other thanAlbus Dumbledore. Our visit ended in a very vicious and violent food fight, involving rotten eggs, and tomatoes and potatoes. Hey! That rhymes! Wow, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!

"Poets are big emo softies, you know?" Crouch said from the shadows.

"I am not an emo! Nor a softie poet!" I shouted at him indignantly.

"I bet you don't even know what an emo is. I bet you think it's a rock." Crouch snickered.

"I do to know what an emo is!" I was not going to let my pathetic excuse for a sidekick, stump me!

"Okay, then what is it?"

"Uh…it's a state of being!" I answered quickly.

"Alright, cut the crap, Voldie. What are you hiding from me?"

"What makes you think I'm hiding something?" I eyed the room nervously.

"I'm not as stupid as I look. I come pretty darn close, but I'm not. Don't think I haven't seen the little glances you've passed to Malfoy."

"I am in NO way, a child molester! If that's what you're thinking."

"I mean Sr."

"How many times do I have to defend my sexuality?"

"Until I stop believing that you're something other than what you say you are."

"And how long will that take?"

"An estimated five months."

"You know, you have one hell of a nerve fighting with me!"

"But I, My gay homo sapien, am brave." He said putting a hand over his heart.

"What's a homo sapien?" I asked in a stupid tone."

"A human."

"…" It took me a moment to decipher what he just said. "HEY! You just called me a gay muggle! HOW DARE YOU!" I said, my anger boiling up."

"I don't understand why you're getting all pissy at me now. This has got to be like the billionth time I've called you a gay muggle."

"OUT!" I screamed at him. "OUT, OUT, OUT!"

"Okay, jeez, Louise!"

"Bitch." I spat at him.

"Watch your language, kiddo." The voice in my head said.

"Shut up, bitch."

"SEVEN DAYS!" The voice hissed so loudly that I fell over the couch.

"Oh, snap, son!" I whimpered.

"Quit tryinn' to be ghetto! It aint workin', you big thumb suckin' pansy!"

What a way to damage a dark lord's ego...

**A/N: You like? Hopefully you did. Sorry it's a bit short and there wasn't much chick flick action, but I'm saving some for the next chapter!**

**Nice creamy ice cream, for those who review!**

**Thanks, Kiddos,**

**Loveyouall!**

**-Julie**


	8. I Think It's YOUR Mom!

**Disclaimer: If I owned this, Cedric Diggory would not have died. And he would be mine. **

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

**A/N: Thank you to; Ginger zip, Hermione Vader, and Queen of the Scoubies! They reviewed, so they get ice cream, and blow pops! Want some? Then you know what you got to do…**

**Okay, I'm done. On with chapter eight!**

**I Think It's YOUR Mom!**

"_Are you scared, Potter?" I asked menacingly._

"_I don't know. Do you want me to be scared?" Harry inquired raising an eyebrow._

"_I think I do, so you'll bow down to me in pure terror, right before I Avada Kedvra your skinny arse."_

"_And why would you be taking notice of my butt in the first place?"_

"_I was not in the least bit looking. You could tell from fifty miles away!"_

"_Oh, really, now?"_

"_Yes!" I hissed._

"_You better chose your words wisely, Voldie."_

"_Why is that, Potter?"_

"_You have seven days." He glared apparating away._

_I turned my head to see the television turn to static, and then a well appear on screen. "AHHHH!" I screamed._

"VOLDIE!" Crouch exclaimed rushing into the room.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone I screamed like that." I blushed, rubbing my eyes.

"Uh, I think everyone in the building heard you. But you have a lovely opera voice! Are you a eunuch?"

"Shut it."

"Aw, I'm sorry! I didn't realize little Voldie had a bad dream!" Crouch cooed.

"Whatever. Just go brood in your closet, you little punk."

"I don't have a closet."

"Then brood under your bed."

"I don't have a bed!"

"Then what DO you have?"

"A hammock." He grinned sheepishly.

I raised a quizzical brow.

"Why are you raising a quizzical brow?"

"Who said it was 'quizzical'?"

"Your mom." Crouch said eerily.

"Uhm, I think it's YOUR mom."

Crouch was speechless."

"OH! WHAT NOW? BURN!" I yelled, happy that I was victorious in making a comeback.

"You're incredibly lame. You know that, right?"

"I think not! You're the lame one!"

"But I don't watch chick flicks that were made for the enemy!"

"…"

"Ha, ha! Got you there, didn't I?"

"Who was it watching Titanic the other day?"

"YOUR MOM!"

"I THINK IT WAS YOU, AND DRACO!" I cackled.

"Since when do you cackle?"

"Every dark and evil person cackles."

"Only when it's thundering, and lightning outside."

"It is thundering and lightning outside, you dip shit!"

"Hey, watch your attitude. Or I may just not help you relieve that curse that's going to make you perish in seven days."

"Five days now." I corrected him, slightly self-conscience. Wait! Who was I being self-conscience?"

"_Your mom."_ The voice in my head spoke.

"I THINK IT'S YOUR MOM!" I screamed, shaking my fists.

"Whoa, dude! Getting a little over board, are we?"

"Pssh. Go play in traffic." I rolled my eyes.

"But that'd be stupid!"

"Exactly! You're the only one with enough sense of idiocy, to actually do something incredibly stupid!"

"Like playing in traffic!"

"Oh!"

"I think all of your brain cells just died."

**A/N: Sorry for the extreme short-ness! I was having a tad bit of a writers block. Terrible things they are. I know! Let's get together and stab it with a rusty lethal butcher knife! Who's with me? Haha.**

**Treats for the reviewers:**

**-Hot fudge brownies.**

**-Three layer Oreo Cookie Crumble cake.**

**-Cinnabon of course**

**-A POOL OF WARM CREAMY MILK/DARK/WHITE CHOCOLATE! Oh man, I'm making my mouth water.**

**That's all for now, Kiddo's.**

**Later, Gators,**

**Julie.**


	9. Bring Potty Down' Plan

**Disclaimer: Uhm…I didn't take anything! Shifty eyes.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

**A/N: Whoa! Two updates within a span of two days! I guess I'm on a roll here! Thanks to; thechosenMay, Estel A Duath, Queen of the Scoubies, Insanity the Amoeba, Ginger zip, and Hermione Vader for reviewing! They are greatly appreciated. Nice big pools of chocolate for them! This chapter is dedicated to Hermione Vader, and Ginger zip for inspiration!**

"Haha, haha!" Crouch giggled/snickered.

"What?"

"I have the **perfect **movie for you!"

My head shot up at that. "You mean for Potter?"

"Uh, right… for Potter!"

"Well? Are you going to show me the damn thing? Or just stand there looking like a lost puppy?"

"Here! Here! Take it! It's yours!" Crouch threw the movie at me.

"Hmm… Brokeback Mountain…sounds uh…peculiar."

"Oh, only a tad bit. It has gay cowboys in it, and I have to admit, they're pretty hot."

"You're giving me a movie about homo-sexual cowboys?"

"Potter will surely be defeated after he views it. And it may just the thing to cure you five day curse."

"It's a possibility…"

**An approximated three hours later…**

"Like, whoa." I said in surprise.

"Like, whoa, what?" Crouch asked anxiously.

"That must've been he **sappiest** movie I've ever seen in my life! It will bring Potter down **fo sho!"**

"Nice Ebonics there, Voldie! You are the **shizz!**"

"Well, DUH!"

Suddenly Crouch got all fidgety and nervous.

"What's your problem?"

"Uhm, Voldie? There's someone I would like you to meet."

"And who would that be?"

"Well…it's not your mom!"

"Of course it's not! My mother's dead, you fool!"

"Right. Anyway, she and I are engaged."

"YOU GOT ENGAGED WITHOUT MY CONSENT! CROUCH, YOU insert choice of swear word here!"

"I can't help it if I'm in love, Voldie. It just happens."

"Ug. Fine! Bring her in."

A few moments later Crouch came in with a stunning beautiful woman."

"You chose well, Crouch." I said, while stroking my chin. I hadn't exactly been successful in growing a goatee.

"Hello, Milord…?" She said somewhat uncertain.

"Damn straight, I'm a lord!"

"I'm thinking that Kirby may be the key to our '**Bring Down Potty**' plan." Crouch said.

"You named the plan without my consent?"

"By the looks of it…pretty much, yeah." He nodded.

Kirby looked a bit frightened at my outrage.

"Voldie, Kirby knows chick flicks inside and out!"

"How do I know that for sure?"

"Because, Voldie, I am a girl. Girls kick ass. Namely yours. I am our savior. Without me, you A: Die in five days, B: Watch as Harry Potter takes over the world, or C: Watch Harry take over the world, and die in five days. It's as simple as that." Kirby said.

"Hmm…you do have a point there."

"Of course I do, you big emo softie."

"I'm just going to ignore that comment. Kay?"

"Whatever."

"Well? Are we going to start the '**Bring Down Potty**' Plan or not?" Crouch asked impatiently.

I rubbed my hands together. "Oh, yes! YES!"

"Dude, why are you like spazzing out?" Kirby asked, already freaked out by my 'peculiar behavior.

"MUST YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS RUIN MY MOMENTS?"

"Yeah. It's actually really fun!" Kirby and Crouch said together.

**A/N: Hope you liked this! **

**Hmmm…what do I have for my loverly reviewers today? I'm thinking something along the lines of…really, really, yummy cotton candy! Kay? SO REVIEW AND I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!**

**Later, Gators,**

**Julie**


	10. Voldie The Manwhore

**A/N: Hello, All! Just got back from the Outer Banks! And I got this uber cute shirt that says: _In real life I'm a Pirate_ . And I just finished watching he movie: _The Patriot_, and I thought it was immensely sad when Heath Ledgers character died. Someone tell me, why do the hot guys ALWAYS die? **

**Thanks to: Ginger zip, Queen of the Scoubies, Insanity the Amoeba, and Hermione Vader for REVIEWING! And also thanks to: Stiggy, Ginger zip, Queen of the Scoubies, for the greater good, Insanity the Amoeba, Estel A Duath, and Avagayil Ray, for adding this story under their favorites!**

**Okay, I'll stop. Aw, this story is 10 chapters old today!**

**HAPPY CHAPTER DAY!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my mind **

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

"So, Voldie, when are you going to bring the '_Bring Potty Down_' into action?" Kirby asked.

"When ever I feel like it, GOSH!"

"Napoleon Dynamite, eh? That's a classic." Kirby grinned.

"I remember, we saw that on our first date." Barty smiled, slinking his arm around her waist.

"Okay, why are you telling my details of your personal life?" I said annoyed. Pshaw, Crouch should know that if I actually gave a crap, he'd be the first I'd give it to.

"Because he felt like it, GOSH!" Kirby mocked.

"Are you _mocking _me?"

"GOSH, no duh!"

"Why, you bitch!"

"Well, if I'm a bitch, then you're a man-whore, and personally, I'd rather be known for **what** I do, rather than **who** I do." Kirby finished, smirking.

"OH! WHAT NOW? SHE GOT YOU GOOD, VOLDIE!"

"Oh no, you did not!" I yelled.

"I just so totally did."

"Yeah. She SO totally got you."

"Oh, just SHUT UP, you little girl!" I sneered at Crouch. He was being absolutely repulsive.

"What did you call me? WHORE!"

I sighed, "Is that the best you can do, Barty? I mean, honestly, I am getting awfully tired of people calling me a _whore_."

"CONSTIPATED GORILLA!" Crouch shouted.

I couldn't help but double over in laughter. "I hope you knew that you were talking about yourself. I think I now know why you're always in the loo."

"Maybe that's because you're finally realizing that all of they're accusations of you being a prostitute, are in fact true." Kirby declared.

"I should so Avada Kedvra your arse right now." I said darkly.

"But you aren't!"

"What makes you think that I won't?"

"Because, my dearest Voldie, you're a big poetic emo softie." Kirby said softly.

"GAH, GO AWAY!"

"Is it that time of the month again, Voldie?" Crouch snickered.

"ARE YOU DEAF? I SAID LEAVE!"

"Eh, no thanks. I'm fine here." Kirby yawned.

"Just go get me some rum!"

"Sorry, mate. All the rum in the world belongs to Jack Sparrow of the Caribbean!"

"**Captain **Jack Sparrow." Kirby corrected him.

"Hmm…Jack Sparrow…I think I know him…" I said, starting to pace. "Oh I know! We went to law school together! We had some great times." I smiled at the memories.

"You went to law school?" Crouch asked surprised.

"I was drunk, okay?"

"Good, because I was going to say…" Crouch trailed off.

"You were going to say what?"

"Queer, drunken, girlish, emo softies make awful lawyers!"

"I'm thinking that you were just describing yourself…"

**I got that line from a Xanga quote site.**

**A/N: I had a fun time writing this! Hope you all enjoyed it! Sorry that there wasn't much chick flick action. The 'Bring Potty Down' plan will begin next chapter for sure.**

**Hmm…..**

**Strokes chin, deep in thought.**

**Does an all you can eat Chocolate Sundae Buffet sound scrumptious, or what?**

**Toddles!**

**Julie**


	11. Hisses, Soap, and RUM!

**A/N: Hey! I'm really sorry for that authors note about withholding chapters, I realize that was mean of me to do, and that not everyone is going to review this story. Please forgive me!**

**A special thanks to: thechosenMay, and so The Wolf Howls, hpfan99, Queen of the Scoubies, Mary, and icy.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my mind.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

The next morning I woke up with a strange sensation in my mouth. The more I awoke, the worse it tasted. I opened my eyes to see Kirby in front of me washing my mouth out with soap. SOAP?

"You've been a very bad boy, Voldie. You need to kick this habit of dirty name calling." Kirby scolded.

"But they deserved it!" I tried to say, but it came out muffled, due to the soap lodged in my mouth.

"Save it for the jury!" Kirby finally took the huge bar of soap out.

"IT BURNS!" I shrieked in a raspy voice, while massaging my throat at the same time.

"Again, save it for the jury."

"You're taking me to court?"

"That would be correct."

"But, but, YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

"Watch me." And with that, stalked off.

"See you in court, sucka!" Crouch snickered from inside the linen closet.

"CROUCH! What the hell are you doing in my closet?"

"Sniffing your undies." He said, oddly.

"I WEAR BOXER-BRIEFS YOU GIRL!"

Crouch hissed.

"Did you just hiss at me?"

He nodded, and hissed again.

"Kirby, your _thing_, here, is hissing at me!" I shouted.

"Oh, suck it up, and put on your big girl panties!" She shouted back."

"hiss"

"Dude! Stop hissing at me!"

"hiss"

"Whatever, lets get on with the plan!"

"The **Bring pothead down **plan?" Lucius said, clutching his pimp stick.

"It's **Bring Potty Down**!" I corrected him.

Lucius skipped off, and went to eat corn.

"What is happening to my dominion?" I screamed at the sky.

"Your mom." Crouch hissed.

"WORMTAIL!" I yelled.

"Yes, Master?" He stuttered unsurely.

"BOO!"

"AHHHH!" Wormtail screamed, wet himself twenty times, and started running around in circles.

"Once you stop acting like a sissy wimp, fetch me JACK SPARROW!" I said, rubbing my hands together.

"Okay, milord."

"With Jack Sparrow here, nothing can go wrong!"

"You sure about that, mate?"

"BUDDY!"

"WHERE IS THE RUM?"

"Sorry, mate, the people from rehab burnt it!"

"WHY IS THE RUM GONE?"

"WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?"

"I NEED RUM! NOW!"

"Withdraw symptoms much?" Kirby sniggered.

**A/N:** **Sorry again about the withholding chapters! I hope you liked this chapter! Sorry about the shortness of it. And I know I said the Bring Potty Down plan would take place in this chapter, but I didn't get to it. SORRY!**

**How about, Twix, Milky Way, Crunch, Twizlers, Reese's, Jolly Ranchers, and HERSHY BARS!**

**Later, Kiddo's,**

**Julie**


	12. Harry The Pirate

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN RE-WRITEN!**

**A/N: Whoa! Long time, no update! Sorry! I've been writing some original stories, and just got caught up with them. I HAVE SIXTY REVIEWS NOW! Whoop! Thanks a bunches, guys!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Voldie, or Capt' Jack, unfortunately… which makes me terribly sad.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

"So, Captain Jack...what has happened to you since law school?" I mused, while pacing around the room.

"I was nothing more than an almostinnocent bystander." Jack said drunkenly.

"Uhm okay…? Did you by any chance find yourself your own bonny lass?"

"Err, not quite."

"How tragic, Jack. You deserved to settle down." I said sympathetically.

"My dear Voldie, honestly, are you a heroin addict? Or have you just gone stupid?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Well, you were just speaking in a sympathetic voice. It kind of…freaked me out, let's just say."

"Jack, Jack, Jack. What am I going to do with you?"

"Lock me in a cabinet full of rum, possibly?"

"Next time."

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT! I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT!"

"Uhm, that's fascinating, Jack." I gave him a thumbs up sign.

"Guess what's inside it?"

"Dirt…?"

"Guess what else is inside it!"

"More dirt…?"

"A **THUMP THUMP**!"

"Well, you've certainly gone past the depths of being loony…"

"You see, here, mate. With this **thump thump**, I can find YOU a bonny lass." Jack grinned slyly.

"How 'bout we bring Pothead down first, let's say you?"

"What's in it for me…?"

"RUM! Lots and lots of rum!"

"Okay, deal, mate."

My cracked, dry, fugly lips formed a small grin.

"Oh bugger." Jack said suddenly.

"Bugger what?"

"What's with all those girlish sounding DVD's in that corner?" Jack asked suspiciously.

"Those, Jack, are our secret weapon to bring Harry Potter down!" I cackled easily.

"Really…"

"Really, really."

"Let's say this Harry Potter boy, who you're sickly obsessed with, is _unresponsive_ to your plan. What happens then?"

"That's where you come in."

"You want me to kill him?"

"No, Jack. I want you to '_pirate-ize'_ him."

"You want me to make him a pirate?"

"I want you to make him a pirate."

"Why?"

"Why…?"

"Okay, this repeating thing is getting old. Why do you want me to make Harry a pirate?"

"One word, curiosity, and abandonment." Ack, that's two! I mentally scolded myself.

"So you're saying that if I transform him into a pirate, everyone will abandon him?"

"Correct." I looked at Jack who was poking Wormtail with Malfoy's pimp stick.

"Well, where do I find this Harry Potter?"

**A/N: Join us next time, when Jack makes an appearance at Hogwarts!**

**Thanks to all who reviewed! Please do so again!**

**I'm so sorry, I don't have any yummy treats for you today! I'm getting ready to go somewhere, and wanted to get this out first. Next chapter, there will be DOUBLE!**

**Loveeyouall,**

**Julie!**


	13. Moody Impersonator

**Disclaimer: Who wants to help in my plan to steal Jacky Sparrow?**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

"CONSTANT VILIGANCE!"

"Quit tryin' to be a Moody impersonator! It's not workin'!" Seamus Finnigan yelled from the back of the room."

"But, you see mate…you are just jealous, that you cannot pull it off."

Seamus flipped the person off when he turned.

"Mr. Finnigan, I saw that! Detention in my office tonight!" McGonagall shouted.

"Yes, Professor McGonagall." Seamus said glumly, as his best friend Dean Thomas smirked.

"Now, as I was about to say before Mr. Finnigan's rude gesture," She glared at Seamus. "Please warmly welcome your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Sparrow."

"_Captain_ Professor Sparrow." Jack corrected.

"Yes, right. Please continue with your lesson." McGonagall said, and left the classroom.

Jack stared at his class of seventh year N.E.W.T Defense Against the Dark Arts students. "One word; Curiosity. You're going to want it."

"Merlin, what in the devil's name are you getting at, Professor?" Hermione Granger wondered aloud.

"That, luv, is curiosity."

Hermione blushed, and sunk lower into her chair.

"Now, mates, your first lesson…what you are about to view, is some hardcore evil. Well, for us manly men, at the least. Your task; Recover after watching." Jack dimmed the lights and snuck into his closet, while keeping his eyes focused on a certain back haired, green eyed boy, who was eagerly watching the film displayed on the projector with enthusiasm.

The lights came on after _Titanic_ finished playing. Lavender Brown flung her arms around Ron wealsey, ignoring the tears that spilled down her face, while poor Ronald just stood there looking sad and confused.

"So, mates, what did you all learn from this lesson?" Jack said, slowly stepping out of his closet.

A couple students shyly raised their hands, except for Hermione, who's hand immediately shot up.

"How 'bout you, mate?" Jack said to a certain blue eyed Blondie, by the name of Draco Malfoy.

"You expect me to give you my opinion on this muggle rubbish?"

"Uh…yes."

"MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

"Oh bugger." Jack said, and ran drunkenly out of the classroom.

"Jack, you still have another half hour of class!" I hissed as Jack ran drunkenly around my lair.

"I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED RUMMMMMMMM!"

"Calm down, Jack!"

"RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! GET ME IT NOW, YOU EVIL TWIT!" He hissed viciously.

"I sighed and threw him a bottle of rum.

He downed it in 10 seconds then said, "Blondie junior knows!"

"Draco Malfoy?"

"BLONDIE JUNIOR KNOWS!"

"Simple, just explain to him that it's Dark Arts."

"Okay dokey hokey pokey."

"That's some mad rhyming skills there, buddy!"

"WELCOME TO THE CARIBBEAN, LUV!" Jack shouted and fainted.

"Some one will be screaming hangover tomorrow." I said.

**A/N: Sorry that this was so short, but I really liked this chapter!**

**Special thanks to all who reviewed. Please do so again!**

**Kay, here we go.**

**Simple math.**

**Milk Chocolate + Sugar + Marshmallows + Highly Caffeinated Soda LOVE! **


	14. Stayin' Alive

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. I know it sucks.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

**A/N: Please read my newest story, Raine PHD! If you review you'll get a lot of new chapters! I promise!**

"_Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,  
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.  
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around  
since I was born.  
And now it's all right. It's ok.  
And you may look the other way.  
We can try to understand  
The New York Times effect on man. _

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,  
You're stayin' alive, stayin alive.  
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',  
And were stayin alive, stayin alive.  
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin alive, stayin alive.  
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin alive."

"WHOOOO!" All the Death Eaters cheered. It was Death Eater Karaoke night at the Riddle manor, in celebration of my birthday. Jack and I had just finished our duet of a oldies smashing hit by the Bee Gee's. We were very off key. Opps.

"You sounded like a cat dying." Kirby sniggered. She was probably right. Well, now I know that singing is not in my future.

"Well, thank you, Kirby, I'm glad that you enjoyed it." I said sipping my spiked grape juice, not knowing that it was filled with laxatives.

"Silly old fart, grape juice is for kids!" Kirby said.

"Silly girl, I can kick your ass."

"You're drunk. You aren't going to be kicking anything except yourself.

"YO HO, YO HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!" Jack sang highly off key.

"I'M MORE PIMP THAN YOU!" Draco shouted jealously, banging his chest, unlike a _proper gangster_ would.

"I'M A PIRATE! And you're so white, you're clear!"

"PIMP! Fo shizzle my nizzle!"

"PIRATE! Hakuna Matata."

"PIMP! What..?"

"PIRATE!"

"DARK LORD!" I chimed in.

"You know, technically you're not very dark. You're actually very pale. You should be in the sunlight more." Jack advised.

"Are you saying I have no tan?"

"Uh…yeah."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY VOLDIE!" Crouch screamed in delight.

"I got you an Elvis suit!" Kirby clapped her hands together.

"Because you're our king!" All the Death Eaters said together. Mind you, it was very creepy.

"Damn straight!"

"Happy two hundredth birthday!" Kirby shouted.

"I'm not that old! I'm only seventy!"

"Ew! You child molester!"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been after that Harry kid!"

"It's only molestation if he's underage…"

"HE WAS A NEWBORN WHEN YOU STARTED STALKING HIM!"

"Okay, point taken."

"So you're openly admitting that you're a child molester of some sort?"

"NO!"

"Mate, stalking a new born is creepy." Jack said, slurring his words together.

"Let's give Voldie his presents." Crouch suggested.

Jack handed me his gift. "Oh, uh…this is lovely, Jack…"

"It's your very own Jar of Dirt!" He said in glee.

The Death Eaters clapped.

"And…there's even a **thump thump** included!"

"Thanks…" I said unsurely.

"Can I give you my present, Master?" Wormtail stuttered.

"I suppose." I sighed.

Wormtail shakily handed me a poorly wrapped box. Inside was…..

Pride & Prejudice!

"What the hell?"

The whole room went quiet.

Wormtail promptly took a baseball bat, and proceeded to bash himself in the head with it.

"What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?" Kirby looked at Wormtail strangely.

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE THOUGHTFUL!" He started sobbing.

"A little emotional there, eh?"

"Cry me a river, Wormtail. I just don't care anymore." I shrugged.

"You're so insensitive!" Kirby said.

"Tell me something I don't know."

"You'll die in three hours."

"AHHHH!" Jack screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed as well.

"Better figure it out soon." Kirby said in a sing-song voice.

"I'm so going to die…erg. I better start on a will…"

**A/N: Sorry this was so short and crappy. I've been busy with my other story, Raine: PHD. Please read and review it! I promise there will be BETTER chapters soon!**

**One word: chunkychocolatechipcookies. **


	15. Inside The Well

**Disclaimer: Okay, if I owned this, Voldie would be using his powers to get me some Cotton Candy, because I'm craving some real bad.**

**Summary: I can't believe it has come down to this. Have I actually sunken this low? I, the supreme, evil, vile, cruel, Dark Lord Voldemort…like chick flicks?**

**A/N: I'm back! Did you all miss me? Okay, top two reasons for not updating; School, which comes with 4398345093804534 gallons of homework, and lack of reviews. I didn't get a lot for the last few chapters, and it kind of set off my motivation. BUT, I'm updating for you guys today, 'cause I got NO homework!**

I walked around my study, trying to plot world dominance, which I haven't been doing lately.

"Hello, Voldie, are you plotting world domination?" Crouch asked.

"No…I'm thinking about which fishing rod I should use for my camping trip this weekend!"

"Really?"

"No, you idiot! Of course I'm plotting world domination!"

"Na-uh, you're just bored." Crouch taunted.

"Well, you're just a wimpy retard." I retorted.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night…"Crouch said and stalked off.

I paced around the room for a while, and then stopped. I HAD AN IDEA! I had to do it fast, I only had about two and a half hours.

**_Lord Voldemort's Will_**

**All money shall be inherited by…NO ONE! MUAHAHA! YOU SHALL ALL SUFFER!**

**My domain will be handed off to Lucius Malfoy, but, he shall give up his pimp stick to Kirby.**

**Miss Kirby shall inherit this mansion, as well as everything in it.**

**My _BMW, _and _Porsche_, shall be given to Crabbe, and Goyle Sr.**

**My stuffed animals shall go to Crouch.**

**Jack Sparrow is to inherit my mastermind plans.**

**And Wormtail gets a jar of dirt.**

**At Hogwarts……..**

"WHERE'S THE RUM?"

"Professor, it's against school rules to drink!" Hermione gasped.

Potter and Weasley sniggered quietly, while Jack ran around in a drunken rage. Little did they know, that a certain blondie had taken the rum and consumed it all, hence his absence from class. Yes, Draco Malfoy was experiencing his very first _hangover_.

"RONALD! HARRY! STOP IT! CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S SUFFEREING FROM WITHDRAW SYMPTOMS?" Hermione shrieked rather loudly.

"Hehe, no."

"Boys…"

**Back at the Riddle manor…**

"Where is that damn flashlight?" I asked aloud.

"Have you checked your pocket?" Kirby asked.

"Uh, yeah!"

"Then what's that big in there?"

"Money…?"

"Hah, you wish."

I slowly pulled out the flashlight.

"What are we even looking for?" Crouch asked, while flipping his hair obnoxiously.

"I've told you at least fifty times."

"Well make this fifty one."

I sighed, "We're looking for a well."

"You're kidding me, right?" Kirby put her hands on her hips.

"No…"

"So you're saying that we're wandering all over the house, just to look for that deranged little girl who says she's going to kill you?"

"Yeah, pretty much." I shrugged.

"If she doesn't kill you, I will!" She yelled, outraged.

"Let's hope n-neither of you h-have to!" Wormtail squeaked.

Kirby and I exchanged looks, then turned to face Wormtail and glared at him viciously.

Wormtail wet himself, and then fell off the balcony.

"And another one succumbs…" I said quietly.

Kirby smacked me upside the head.

"Ouch…"

"Go get him, you dimwit!"

"I rolled my eyes and continued looking for a well."

"BINGO!" I heard Kirby yell from a distance.

"YES!" I screamed. I looked to what she was pointing at. What I saw made me gasp loudly…

**A/N: Dun, dun, dun…CLIFHANGER! Well, my pathetic excuse for one, I mean.**

**Please, review! It'll boost my motivation tremendously. Also, what do YOU think Voldie sees inside the well?**


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